John's D&D Game Quotes

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Back when I was in college my friend Jon Fish started running a D&D game that centered on an adventuring guild (made up mostly of PC's). The game ran well into my first year of graduate school but I only started taking down quotes in the last year or so.

The Quotes:


1/21/2005

"Oh great, now I need a cracker launcher."
~ Dave (after we were talking about using holy wafers on a vampire)

"Did we try to contact the druid with the gigantic turbo bear?"
~ Brian

"Throw a building at you."
~ John
"Awesome! Loot!"
~ Brian

"There's organization in here?"
~ Brian
"Its non-consentual organization."
~ Dave

"Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night."
~ Dave
"Of course it does, toilet duck helps everyone sleep at night."
~ Brian

"What about your lay on groin or whatever?"
~ Dave

"I'm assuming these things are going to have at least 30 hit dice. If they don't, I'm not worried about them."
~ Kelsey

"So you're shooting bean bags at them?"
~ Eva
"Rocks essentially. Highly aerodynamic rocks."
~ Dave (about blugeoning bolts for his crossbow)

"Only plus 8 strength? Kelsey what kind of broken buff mage are you?"
~ Jon
"One who's also casting immunity to fire on everyone and persistent haste on 8 people."
~ Kelsey

"I prefer the element of surprise. It's right after carbon."
~ Brian

"Oh god! I'm bleeding from all of my orifices now!"
~ Kelsey
"And a few new ones..."
~ John

11/12/04

"I am good but I am not so good as to be able to roll a nine on an eight sided die."
~ Dave

"Just a quick question, as the designated organ puncturer I need to know if those two guys are fair game."
~ Dave

"I feel sorry for these guys and I don't really want to kill them."
~ Eva
"I don't know how to shoot to incapacitate."
~ Dave
"Shoot them in non-vital areas! Knees and Groin!"
~ Brian

"Is it a headband of intellect -10?"
~ Curtis
"Dibs!"
~ Brian

"That sounds like a good plan, especially since they're the ones with organs."
~ Dave

"You know what I spent my epic feat on don't you?"
~ Curtis
"What did you spend it on?"
~ Dave
"Cleave and Great Cleave! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
~ Curtis

"I think they want to negotiate with us for.... what do you want to negotiate?"
~ Jon
"First of all what is your country called?"
~ John

"What's there to talk about? The enemies of the north must be destroyed."
~ Jon
"The south will rise again!"
~ John
"If Rhodan wins the south will rise again."
~ Jon, about the arch-villian necromancer/vampire

"Noon happens and you see an approaching force."
~ Jon
"An approaching force? Like gravity?"
~ Brian

"No, my character really respects your character, but he knows you're a tail-chaser."
~ Curtis
"A very accomplished tail-chaser..."
~ Kelsey

"Its a male bonding thing."
~ Eva
"That's what soverign glue is for."
~ Brian

"Don't you dare defend yourself, keep playing!"
~ Dave

"So Kels, what else are you doing today?"
~ Jon
"The Drow! The Drow!"
~ Brian
"No, I'm just flirting with her, I'm not going any further."
~ Kelsey

"Dave, your basement is haunted by gravity elementals."
~ Kelsey

"I get out a cracker and offer it to the parrot."
~ John
"It flies over and eats it. 'R0X0R!'"
~ Jon
"I offer it a frying pan that's got some butter in it."
~ Brian
"SUX0R!"
~ Jon
"FRYZ0R!"
~ Brian

"Kelsey, keep flirting with her, I dare ya."
~ Brian, after Jon told him something privately about the priestess of Loth
"Some how I think it might be safer to learn it from a book."
~ Dave

"The high priestess knows abyssal, you would probably know that."
~ Jon
"What? By the liquid evil she's drenched in?"
~ Brian

"I'm just imagining a sphere of dwarven defenders on tenser's floating disks closing in on an enemy."
~ Kelsey

"It's not a bath it's a dwarf trap!"
~ Kelsey

"Where the blue blazes is my character sheet... [later] where's my player's handbook?..."
~ Kelsey
"Wow, Dave's basement wins again."
~ Jon
"Its hunger is eternal."
~ Curtis in a sinister voice

"Come on, hide and go seek! I haven't played that since I was young and now I can cheat at it."
~ Brian

"After you [Rel] go into your magnificent mansion Deila goes into hers."
~ Jon
"ha ha ha ha, lets nail the door shut."
~ Brian

"I don't trust anything that goes below ass level on this couch."
~ Brian

"I mention to her that all of us have certain special talents."
~ Kelsey
"Like that guy over there who doesn't look like he has any magic. He's talented at being an asshole."
~ Brian, referring to his own character

"No! Stop right there! Stop your Devil Blasphemy!"
~ a very loopy Dave

"If you don't like it, throw beer at it and it will wither and die."
~ John
"That's what I do to ugly people."
~ Kelsey

"Alcohol poisoning, isn't it fun..."
~ John
"You'd poison alcohol?"
~ Brian

" 'Well apparently I live some where near Rhodan. I go to the Rhodan's First National Bank.' "
~ Brian
"Cash in the paycheck for valuable gold pieces?"
~ Jon

"That sounds a lot like the catch phrase of a poisonous potato."
~ Kelsey
"What?"
~ Everyone else

"If I die and she turns me into a skeleton, you guys are so haunted."
~ Brian

"My colon is bleeding with joy."
~ Dave
"Good sir, crossbows are not meant to be used like that."
~ Brian

"Jon, can I have a diaper of infinite holding?"
~ Curtis
"No, nothing infinite exists in my world."
~ Jon
"Jon, the proper answer is 'depends'."
~ Brian

"I should stop thinking about anything else before I start developing completely irrational needs."
~ Dave, after buying shiny stuff in game

10/29/04

"The high priestess of the city is not receiving sendings."
~ Priestess of Loth
"That could mean anything."
~ John
" 'I'm having a bloody ritual, please call back later.' "
~ Dave

"Things that live in puddles do not have loot, they are not worth killing."
~ Kelsey

"He didn't need monk levels, he has levels of awesome."
~ Brian

"Well if you ever do lose an eye, save it."
~ Dave to the drow in the party

"These people have not met the wonders of Olidammara, the god of true freedom?"
~ Brian

"I have the ice cream scoop of absolute supremacy."
~ Kelsey

"Dude, he auto flirts."
~ Dave about Kelsey

"Do I need to make a move silently roll?"
~ Brian
"Yes."
~ Jon
"I think you'll get a significant bonus because he's bleeding from every pore."
~ Dave

"Excuse me but I'd like to take the side of ME NOT GETTING AXES IN MY FLESH!"
~ Dave

"What we really need is an anti-dwarf field."
~ Brian

"This doesn't taste like wall, this tastes like illusion!"
~ Curtis

"My parrot can't possibly be a lawful outsider!"
~ Dave
"R0KZ0R!"
~ Brian, speaking for the parrot

"Because I would be torn between playing someone cool in Rodan's army and zombie number 1,342."
~ Kelsey
"Hey! I wanted to be that one!"
~ Brian

"I am the orcish blade master, except that I'm a dwarf."
~ Curtis

"It's not a bath its a fucking swimming pool."
~ Kelsey
"Finally, we'll have a place to put our sea elves, and um...."
~ Brian

"So, how 'bout them spiders hey? They sure do got a lot of legs..."
~ Brian to the priestess of Loth

"Hand over your rogue levels now!"
~ Brian to Dave

"You know I've often thought that you really don't deserve those genitals."
~ Dave

"With a little work we can pretend to be drow."
~ Brian
". . . "
~ Everyone
"Some of us don't have to pretend."
~ Eva, who's playing a good drow cleric
"I'm sorry."
~ Brian

10/15/04

"Disjunction is against my religion."
~ Kelsey

"And here's the best thing... Drow... have... organs."
~ Dave

"Your tail... you want me to daylight your tail...."
~ Dave (about casting daylight on John's character)

"We just left a crap load of loot that we could have taken."
~ John
"It wouldn't have been honorable."
~ Brian
"Who are you and what have you done with Roric!?!"
~ Dave

"I think they're going to check it after we're done to make sure it is really 450 pounds of gold, not.... hey these are just chocolate coins wrapped in foil!"
~ Brian

"Wait, you take out the heart? The basketball of blood pumping +4?"
~ Brian, after we killed a really big dragon

"Sir let me assure you that the gold we carry is 150% pure..."
~ Brian

"As long as the master isn't going to use them to take over the surface world, I don't think we care."
~ Curtis
"I don't think the Oozes would do so well in, The Desert."
~ Brian

"Its an Ooze master convention, its OozeCon!"
~ Brian

"Wait, did he just say his god's a stripper? These drow are alright."
~ Brian (about John's comment that Eelistraee liked dancing and didn't wear a lot)

"Sense god damn, mother-fucking motive."
~ Brian

"What, bracelet of time indication?"
~John
"Yes! Bracelet of time indication! Aka the portable water clock!"
~ Curtis

"So we all get ambushed and eaten, right?"
~ John
"Just Brian, he's in front."
~ Jon

"Reynods organ wrap!"
~ Dave

9/17/04

"Look, I'm more combustable than some of these buildings!"
~ Dave
"Unless you find Crazy Elrond's House of Asbestos you're kinda screwed."
~ James

"Uh, they both have organs, so that doesn't decide it for me."
~ Dave, on who he's attacking

"He's trying to talk his way into a hole, like usual."
~ Dave (refering to Rel)

"Don't worry, I have a full round of being dazed to come up with a catch phrase."
~ Dave

"The dragon is going to try to grapple you with its mouth, that's bad."
~ Jon (to Dave)
"But the grapple comes with a free frogurt."
~ Curtis
"That's good."
~ James
"But the frogurt is also going to try to grapple you."
~ Curtis
"That's bad."
~ Dave

"Its rather a long story, lets all gather round a fire..."
~ Kelsey (to the villagers who's homes are on fire)
"Bad Kelsey, Biscuit minus minus."
~ Eva

"I have an excuse, I was nearly eaten.... and BBQ'ed."
~ Dave
"Just simmer down."
~ James

"What did you get Dave?"
~ Jon
"20... I sense a motive somewhere..."
~ Dave

"Yea, yea, elf is just a three letter word for gay."
~ James
"You are so dead."
~ Eva
"What about dwarf?"
~ Curtis
"That's just a five letter word for raging bull dike."
~ James

8/6/04

"I'll hire myself... wait there're no caravans going in that direction."
~ Brian
"You'll hire yourself? Spy Masters can do that?"
~ Kelsey

"Its funny because I'm a gnome woman."
~ Brian

"You just go 'wap!' in the groin and they fall over?"
~ Kelsey
"Sneak attack groin punch?!"
~ Brian

"I was an elf once and I hated it. I was faster, prettier, and couldn't drink as well."
~ Brian

"*sigh* Well if we have to fight them, we have to fight them... I flamestrike the captain."
~ Eva (after the sudden teleportation-appearance of our allies has caused negotiations to break down)

"I've reinvented myself. I do that all the time. I'm like the wheel, wait, no..."
~ Brian (about his new cover identity)

"You should also be glad I'm not retiring to my room and polymorph-othering my familiar."
~ Kelsey

4/16/04

"She's guilty of being innocent! wait! She's innocent of being guilty!"
~Brian about a red headed NPC
"She's flirted with Clint, we know she's not innocent."
~Alex

6/11/04

"Wait a minute, I didn't need my hit points."
~ Dave

"When I say enlightened I mean smart, not... shiny."
~ Dave

"Their alignment is neutral money."
~ Joel

"In a suicide contest I win."
~ Brian

"I'm tempted to put these in my nose."
~ Kelsey
"I don't even have to see what you're holding to find that funny."
~ Dave
"You're my hero."
~ Joel

"How do they get married? They don't even have a church."
~ Brian
"They get a library card together, then they're married."
~ Joel

"Some people call me a spelunker, some people call me a draconic urologist."
~ Joel

"Help! I can't swim!"
~ Dave, as A
"You're not drowning. You're just covered in books."
~ Dave, as B
"Oh, in that case, Help! I can't read!"
~ Dave, as A

"All they need is sneak... and power-word tiptoe."
~ Brian

"What? There's an elemental plane of tentacles now?"
~ Joel

"Power word Humiliate!"
~ Brian

"Come on! It's not evil, it's a good plan!"
~ Brian

"In the game of finders versus keepers, I like to be both."
~ Brian

"Did you just cast greater magic weapon on his hip?"
~ Joel

"It doesn't help to rob poor people."
~ Dave, in a whisper to Brian

"Free his limbs from the tyranny of the hated torso."
~ Dave

"Honestly, if there is an assassins' city it's not very big. It's like one guy who's sitting around being like, 'so shit, what now?' "
~ Jon

"It's still foolhardy, even if I said we should do it five minutes ago."
~ Brian

4/30/04

"Oh, I've got shit loads of stray limbs."
~ Dave

"Rorric [Brian's character] is meaningless... on so many levels..."
~ Dave

"Unless it has evasion it takes eight damage."
~ Kelsey
"On 8D6?"
~ Jon
"Oh, I only rolled 4..."
~ Kelsey

"Have you seen the epic handbook? Have you seen the boots of swiftness? They look like someone had stabbed the flash in an alley and stolen his shoes!"
~ Dave
"They don't look so much like he was stabbed as skinned."
~ John

"Focus may be consumed in casting. Please consult your cleric before use."
~ Dave

"Feel my wrath as my deity gropes you!"
~ Dave

"The bad news is he's [the true zantric] not down yet. The good news is he's [the general] casting it again."
~ Jon

"I'm normally not a big fan of shoot first and ask questions later. I'm normally a fan of shoot many, many times and ask questions later... wait, that didn't come out right..."
~ Dave

"But I wanna pop them like a balloon!"
~ John

"Well I'm sure he learned his lesson."
~ Eva
"Kill people."
~ Dave
"That's _not_ the lesson I meant."
~ Eva

"I've been trying to craft myself a staff. Not to cast spells with, since I can't... but to beat the hell out of stuff."
~ John

"I hope I never have to call on your services again."
~ Jon, as the NPC Mage General
"Well don't hesitate to call if you do need them."
~ Dave
"Don't worry, we're running out of things to ask for."
~ Kelsey

3/19/04

"I'm less than 40% rogue."
~ Dave
"I'm sorry."
~ Brian

"Look, if we kill every NPC, there won't be any evil NPC's left."
~ Brian

"I will use my magic... rogue spells, and be fine!"
~ Brian

"I'm not evil, I just like killing things."
~ Brian

"I'm not racist, I just hate elves."
~ Brian

"How do you find her?"
~ Jon
"I get people who do magic to do it for me."
~ Brian

"I'm not egotistical. I'm just better than everyone."
~ Brian

"Die horribly, in a blender full of glass!"
~ Dave, to Brian
"I have a 50% miss chance."
~ Brian

"Am I me or am I this guy?"
~ Jon, teasing Brian about his spy-master
"Maybe if I stab myself and don't get hurt it will be him!"
~ Brian

"If your character has enlarge then everyone's 'tolerable'. "
~ Kelsey (this was followed by some death threats by other players)

"You're going to buy them drinks with their own money..."
~ Dave, to Brian

1/23/04

"I'm an elf! I'm a dwarf! I'm an elf! Aaah, my mind... Hey, I can shoot mind blasts!"
~ Curtis, on the idea of his character getting psyonic powers

"I have a 50/50 chance of knowing what I'm doing."
~ Brian

"Yea, dwarves might drink mountain dew."
~ Brian

"You have the one ring don't you?"
~ Someone
"When I put it on I see the huge evil eye and I feel all rogueish."
~ Brian

"Friends don't let friends have elves as friends."
~ Brian